Los Angeles Jewish Home

Being a grandparent can be one of life's most fulfilling roles, one that benefits both you and your grandchildren. Grandparents can share valuable life lessons with their grandchildren, enjoying a nurturing  relationship without many of the day-to-day burdens of parents. Grandchildren, in turn, can gain a sense of family history and belonging as well as receive a special kind of love that differs from the love they get from their parents.

At the same time, the role of grandparents can be tricky. It can be hard to find the right balance between being involved and being over-involved.

"The key is to find your place in the family. You must fit into the family culture, rather than challenging it," says Gayle Peterson, PhD, a family therapist specializing in family development, in an article on nuturecenter.com.

A review of the advice offered by Peterson, as well as other such as AARP family expert Amy Goyer and grandparents.com columnist Barbara Graham, garnered some common themes for keeping the "grand" in grandparenting:

Grandparenting Dos

• Respect the parents decisions of your children: Know their rules and be willing to enforce them.
• Support your grandchild's parents from the beginning: Welcome your new in-law as family and establish a good relationship with him or her.
• Make time for your grandchildren: Do projects together. Share your hobbies and learn about the activities your grandchildren love. Travel with your grandchildren if possible, whether for a day trip or longer excursion.
• Keep in regular contact with your grandchildren. Use phone, email, and video chatting to stay in touch when you can't get together in person.
• Accept that you may have made mistakes in parents and that your children will as well. Know that child-rearing styles change with each generation.
• Help out whenever you can, but not so much that you resent it.
• Maintain balance in your own life.

Grandparenting Don'ts

•  Don't try to be the parent.
• Don't try to buy affection.
• Don't offer unsolicited advice to the parents.
• Don't "compete" with other grandparents.

Jerry Witkovsky, a social worker and former general director of the Jewish Community Center of Chicago, focuses on the third and fourth bullet points of the Do's list: sharing experiences with grandchildren and keeping in regular contact with them. Founder of Grand Consultants, he is currently writing a book, entitled The Grandest Love: Inspiring the Grandparent-Grandchild Connection (XLibris Press).

Witkovsky keeps a standard weekly phone appointment with each of his six grandchildren, who range in age from 10 to 30. He also asks them what subjects not to inquire about.

Witkovsky urges keeping up with your grandchildren's activities so you can ask relevant questions and have meaningful discussions. For example, instead of asking "How's school?" see if you can subscribe to the school's parent newsletter. Or ask your grandchild for his or her English class reading list and read some of the books so you can discuss them together.

"Grandparents and grandchildren have a responsibility to teach and learn from one another," says Witkovsky. "Grandparents can and should be a vital part of the family."

Labels: Dos and Don'ts, Family, Family Dynamics, For the Spirit, Grandfather, Grandma, Grandmother, Grandpa, Grandparents

By Amy Rosett, Ph.D.

Whenever I ask people in an audience if their family is complex, nearly everyone raises their hand and softly laughs. Families often are an important source of support and unconditional love, but frequently they are also a source of stress, guilt and angst. And they can be all of these at the same time. Despite the multitude of possible family structures, small or large, there are generally similar dynamics within families. These dynamics shift as parents age and their needs change.

As people are living longer, it is more common to know couples married 55, 65, and even more than 70 years. But they usually don’t age in a parallel way. Thus one may be fortunate to have good physical health and cognitive abilities, while the other is more frail and/or confused. Sometimes one person is physically healthier while the other has stronger cognitive skills. Whatever the specific pattern, there are inevitable changes in how they manage as a couple when they need to take more care of one another.

Sometimes the one giving the care tries to keep these changes from their adult children. There may be well-intentioned reasons to try to hide the worsening condition, such as protecting the dignity of their spouse, guilty about being a burden to their adult children, wanting to remain an independent couple, and assuming it is expected to shoulder this responsibility. However, by hiding the need for increased care, problems often develop in the family, such as poorer communication, emotional distance because of this lack of candor, and wearing down, both physically and emotionally, due to the pressures of being the sole caregiver.

Furthermore, if one spouse is developing Alzheimer’s disease or another form of dementia, the changes almost always involve more than memory loss. These include other cognitive difficulties, behavioral problems and personality changes. Thus, one’s loving spouse of 56 years might seem depressed, have anger outbursts, and even become verbally or physically abusive. Covering up such changes often is depressing, and could compromise the safety of either person. Informing the medical doctor may lead to medications and other interventions that can alter the progression of the disease. Talking with the family may lead to getting the emotional and physical support they need.

The family dynamics become more complex regarding the adult children. One of the most common examples of this change is a “role reversal.” The adult children start to make “parental” decisions about caring for their parents. The parents become more dependent on their children. Some families accommodate to this shift graciously. They still allow the parents to be as independent as possible and work together as a partnership.

Unfortunately this role reversal frequently creates stresses for both generations. From the parents’ perspective, there is a fear of being a burden to their children. But there is also a fear that their needs and wants will be ignored by their family. Older adults often express guilt because their children “have their own life to live.” Frequently it is true that the adult children are busier with raising their own children, their work, and economic pressures. Nonetheless I’ve observed that most adult child experience more stress when they do not know what is actually happening with their parents.

From the adult children’s perspective, sometimes there is resentment about the increased responsibilities of caring for their parents. Often they have anxiety about making the correct decisions, balancing various recommendations about a particular situation, and a general worry about their parents’ worsening health.

The complexities of the family dynamics multiply when there are several adult children. Some of the stresses might stem from unresolved sibling rivalries. At the time that their parents need more help, it is unlikely that such long-standing conflicts will be settled. However, if the adult children recognize this dynamic and agree to focus only on the current concerns, it helps them to work together.

Even in the most supportive families, it is usually difficult to sharing the responsibilities of helping the parents in a way that seems fair to everyone. This is complicated by the fact that usually the siblings have varied abilities to help, especially when only some live near the parents. Specifically, some siblings may have more money, time, proximity, energy, and emotional wellbeing to participate than others. It is very helpful if everyone accepts that the amount of direct care provided most likely will never be “even.”

It is important to have frequent communication among the siblings, and when appropriate to include the parents. Find ways that each person can contribute, even if it is from a distance. They should work toward their strengths. Those who live further might coordinate visits to let the siblings who live close to take a short vacation.

One common problem is that a visiting adult child has wonderful ideas of how to improve the situation, makes changes and then leaves. In fact, those who live closer and have more contact with the doctors and other professionals should have a greater voice, but also be open to listen to what others might have to contribute.

Overall, families function best when the parents and adult children have frequent and open communication, including via email, Skype and telephone conference calls. There needs to be a willingness to be flexible, especially as the needs of the parents change. The family will face numerous decisions. It helps to consider many opinions during the process, but agree upon one solution, even if everyone is not pleased.

When all this can be done with the older adults’ participation, the likelihood of family stresses, guilt and angst will be reduced. I’ve yet to meet the family which has eliminated such negative feelings, but reducing them is a realistic goal. Finally, it is important to recognize that positive aspects of family, the support and unconditional love, can increase even during the often difficult adjustment to the shifting needs of the older adults.

Labels: Family, Family Dynamics, Feature Articles, For the Mind, Rosett

by Kay Carmona
Los Angeles Jewish Home Resident

Holidays are an important part of our lives. They mean different things to different people; but we all agree that more than anything else, they bring families together and enrich our lives with nostalgic memories — memories to treasure and fill our lives with the love and warmth of family. This is especially true of Jewish holidays because, not only do they bring families together and weave sweet memories that last a lifetime, they are our link, or connection to the generations before us who passed on the values, commandments, and traditions of Judaism — even under the most trying circumstances — keeping it alive and current down through the ages.

Spring ushers in the festivals of Purim and Passover. I think most of us have memories of our childhood days, dressing up in wacky costumes as Queens Vashti and Esther, Mordechai, King Ahasuerus, and the booing, banging, and noisemakers at every mention of Haman. The delicious hamantaschen goodies, and the atmosphere of camaraderie and joy among family and friends.

Passover is a little more sedate, but also happy, recalling how Moses with God's Mighty Power brought us out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage, leading us to the Promised Land. There, again, most of us have sweet memories — or maybe not-so-sweet memories — of Seders from our early childhood with our parents and relatives, and with Seders of our own families and relatives. I remember as a child how long and boring the Seder seemed. My Dad was a Hazan and insisted on doing the entire Seder from cover to cover, which seemed to me to last all night! Dipping in the salt water and making little matzoh sandwiches was kind of fun, and I really liked the haroset. I was so happy to hear my father say, "Now dinner is served." I remember the first time my husband and I hosted the Seder at our house. We had finally furnished our dining room, but it was barely able to accommodate so many people. We have learned from our folks that there is always room for one more, even if you have to bring in the barbeque table from the patio and the kitchen chairs. I remember how proud I was when I "graduated" from the children's table to the adults' table, and how it brought back memories when our children came to sit with us. Yes, the Jewish holidays bring fond memories of loving family and happy times.

Labels: Carmona, Family, Jewish Holiday, Judaism, Memories, Passover, Pesach, Purim, Seder, Staff

This afternoon I was entering the Eisenberg Campus by way of The Heart Walk when I noticed that the late autumn winds had blown leaves into the candle holders of the bronze Chanukiah sculpture in front of the Newman Building. As I was removing the leaves I couldn’t help but think that in just a few, short weeks I would be gathering with the residents each evening of the eight nights of Chanukah to kindle the candles that would shine from this exquisite piece of ritual Judaic art. As has been our tradition in years past, we will make the blessings together and sing Chanukah songs—in Hebrew, Yiddish, Ladino, and English—before the Chanukiah’s flickering lights. I will remind the residents, as I always do, that the Chanukah candles may not be used for any practical purpose but should only grace our Jewish Home with their illumination and inherent beauty. The lights will be a link for all of us, not only to the miracles of our people’s shared history in days of old, but to memories of Chanukahs celebrated in each one of our uniquely individual pasts…long ago childhood twirls of dreidels, sharing latkes or sufganiyot with our children, watching the candlelight illuminate the faces of our grandchildren and even great-grandchildren. And I, as the Rabbi of Eisenberg Village, will watch the golden glow from the bronze Chanukiah dance on the beautiful, wrinkled cheeks of our beloved Jewish Home residents and marvel at the miracle of their long and fruitful years. When most of them were children, Chanukah was not a time for expensive gifts or commercial competition. Their memories are filled with gifts of the senses: the sight of a spinning dreidel; the scent of hot oil and the taste of delicious fried Chanukah treats; and, above all, the warmth that only love of family, community, and shared heritage can bring to the dark and bitter chill of winter. These were the children that would, indeed, become members of “The Greatest Generation.”

And so, as I take these moments to prepare the bronze sculpture that will soon spring to life and light, I am already filled to overflowing with the anticipation of sharing another Chanukah with the residents I am blessed to serve at the Jewish Home. They are, indeed, a collective light to the nations of the world, shining a warm glow of inspiration to everyone who is lucky enough to bask in their glow. Just by being themselves, they stand as a miraculous symbol of their people’s tenacity and longevity. For me, being able to share the Festival of Lights with these precious souls for yet another year, is the greatest gift of all.

Rabbi Rita Hertzberg leads synagogue services and provides spiritual guidance and pastoral care and counseling for the resident community of the Jewish Homes Eisenberg Village Campus. Among her well-attended spiritual education and outreach programs are her weekly Judaism class and the popular “Get Together with Rabbi Rita.”

Labels: Candles, Chanukah, Chanukiah, Dreidel, Eisenberg Village, Family, Hanukkah, Hebrew, Hertzberg, holiday, Jewish Holiday, Judaism, Ladino, Latkes, Rabbi, Staff, Sufganiyot, Yiddish

by Shelly Ryan

Ok! So many of you can relate to your alarm clock going off and wanting to hit the snooze button a few times! Although I'm not a morning person, I got to work earlier than usual, not knowing what I would face! As luck would have it, I went to JEK 4 to speak to an employee and got off the elevator to find an amazing sight! One of our sweet CNAs was talking to a resident about the resident's son, and this was how the conversation went!

"My son doesn't get to visit me that often because he's always working". The response from our CNA was "That's what's fun about my job, because when I'm working I get to see you"!

The resident welled up with tears and said, "But with your job you HAVE to see me."

And our CNA responded, "That's the beauty of my job! I don't HAVE to see you, I GET to see you!"

The resident then hugged our CNA and said, "You're like my daughter."

The CNA said "You're like my Grandmother—sorry, but I'm younger than your daughter," and they both laughed! And then hugged!

These are the kind of sweet moments I get to see every day! The interaction between our staff and our residents is why I've been here for almost 30 years. Our staff treat our precious residents like family. And the feeling is mutual! Our residents feel the love and care from our staff and it's a bond that is hard to break. At the Home, our staff go beyond "work" and care for our residents as they would a member of their own family. It's truly remarkable! Every consultant and surveyor that comes here, whose job it is to find what we're doing "wrong" versus what we're doing "right", ends up remarking about the relationship between our staff and our residents! To say we're a Jewish Home family is not just "words" here.

There is a strong bond that will forever be imprinted on the hearts of both our staff and residents. If you want to experience the love, come and visit us at any of our buildings. We truly have a unique environment where our staff and residents are equally supportive and protective of each other. It's a heart-warming experience—one I would encourage all of you to experience. Are we perfect? No! But our hearts are in the right place!! There is truly no place like "HOME" and I'm blessed to see it day after day!!

I often joke that we're "chosen", and when I walk the floors I believe it's true!! Each staff member has been "chosen" to care for their residents in a unique and amazing way. When I've had an especially challenging day all I have to do is walk the floors and see what the Home has created. We are truly blessed, and I don't want to take it for granted!!

Thank you to our incredible staff, our families, our volunteers and our supporters for letting the Home be the special place that it is!!:)

Labels: Around the Home, CNA, Family, Grandmother, Mother, Residents, Shelly Ryan, Staff, Sweet Moments, Visiting

One of my classes is called “Conversation with the Rabbi”, and the conversation last week was real and fascinating. Everyone knows the disadvantages of aging: the loss of mobility and other restrictions, the aches and pains, the fact that one is no longer looking forward to a long life of dreams and possibilities, and, in many cases, the lingering loneliness after the death of a husband or wife. But I wanted to know the other side of the coin. I asked each resident present to tell me if there were any advantages to old age. (It’s natural I should want to know, as that stage of my life gets ever closer!)

I expected to get laughed at. But instead, almost every resident in the class was able to talk about some of the blessings of being older. Some talked of being wiser. Others spoke of the joy of watching their families – their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren – and that this time of life was filled with the love they could give to their families, and the love they received from them. With less responsibility now, there was greater time and freedom just for the good things. Another theme emerged, too. There was time and opportunity to reach out and help others here at the Home. Many talked of living in the Jewish Home as a blessing: they received so much, and could also give so much.

None of these residents was being starry-eyed. None pretended that old age was just paradise, without real disadvantages. One woman said: there are good things about being older, but there are more bad things. But even she was happy to tell me about the blessings in her life.

Let me tell you about one of the Torah stories we read this month. The Israelites, on their journey towards the Promised Land, passed through a country whose king was so frightened of them that he called on Balaam, a foreign prophet, to come and curse them. But God made sure that all the words that came out of Balaam’s mouth were not words of curse, but instead words of blessing, telling of the Israelites’ future success.

Just as God turned curse into blessing, we too have the ability – if only we are willing – to turn curse into blessing. I often talk of recognizing God’s blessing in the events of our life – even seemingly negative events. This is not something magical, like kidding ourselves that dark is really light. But we do have greater power over our lives than we often think. Many years ago I was asked, how does one become blessed? I answered that if we feel blessed, then we are blessed. Changing our attitude towards life can actually change the way we experience life. That is the way we turn curse into blessing.

A resident who has recently changed location within the Home has been finding it so painful leaving behind familiar people – both residents and staff – that she can’t enjoy life where she is now. I know this can be painful, but I have also been suggesting to her that each day she try to find one good thing about her new surroundings, one little blessing. She tells me she is still finding it difficult, but I believe she is beginning to experience good, to find blessing in her new life.

Labels: Aging, Around the Home, Blessings, Blog, Conversation with the Rabbi, Elman, Family, For the Spirit, Israelites, Judaism, Letter from the Rabbi, Seniors, Transition